A difficult period of much alcohol consumption, probably contracting some sort of STD and trying your best to come out of 2014 with a slither of dignity.

Wednesday, 21 January 2015

8 Things Every Student Will See During Freshers

"It's 4.38am on a Thursday morning. A feral student has just ran past you with no trousers on frantically waving a takeaway box with an unnamed food substance inside. There's smashed bottles of Tesco value vodka lacing the streets and a pile of vomit is staring you directly in the face. Another student falls precariously off the curb in front of you as you slowly hiccup, laugh, then stumble around them. Tonight you have danced with strangers, fist pumped with acquaintances and probably pulled your next door neighbour to the romantic symphony of Calvin Harris's 'Summer' playing in the background. Tonight is your first night of Freshers."

After careful deliberation, discussion and recalling memories I'd tried so hard to forget; I have concocted a list of 8 things every Fresher will come across at some point or another during those first moments at university.

1. The 'Sleeping' Student 

Now don't get me wrong, sleeping students are by no means a revelation. It's actually more likely for us to be asleep than awake. But never in your life will you have seen so many people passed out in such unconventional places. Corridors, benches, floors of a club, standing up, your halls stairway, in a tree, in a bin. Anywhere you can think of, it's been used as a snoozing area. Most of the time these 'naps' are the result of strawpedo-ing 10 beers to prove to your new flat mates how much of a top guy you are. 

But that's okay, we have all the respect in the world for those fallen soldiers and will always make time to take a few snap shots of such a beautiful moment. 

2. The One Who Acts Like They've Never Touched Alcohol Before 

They may come as solo travelers. 
They may come in packs.
They may even stumble into you thinking you're their friend.
But every Freshers undoubtedly has their own. 

The concepts of alcohol and it's ability to... well... get you drunk, do not under any circumstances register in this persons brain. If this happens to be your mate, sit back, relax and get ready to mop up the sick later. 

3. The Infamous Trolley 

Some may call it a trolley, some may call it a shopping cart but for the average Fresher these wonders double up as your transportation home for the evening. If it isn't you in the super speedy vehicle, you find yourself cheering on the fellows crashing past you at approximately 3mph until inevitably hitting a curb and spilling onto the pavement. 

Now every time you do your Tesco shopping you can't look at a trolley without wanting to 'Whacky Racers' style it down aisle 12. 

4. The Walk of Shamers

Last nights clothing, that delicious look of confusion and a waft of regret. They keep their eyes to the ground and walk back and forth between flats a few times before remembering where they live and what their name is.

Above: this Leftover Monster seems to rolling
around on the floor to save his precious findings, cute. 

5. The Leftover Monster

Taking university life fully in their stride the Leftover Monster will destroy your 3 day old McDonald's chips... and have no shame in doing so. 

6. Freshers Flu

It's one of those things that before being a student you laughed at with despair. Obviously such a fucking stupid concept couldn't amount to reality, right? WRONG. You arrive to your first lectures and are greeted by a cacophony of hungover, unwashed teenagers spluttering on your unopened notebook. At first you turn to them with disgust, then before you know it you're wiping your dribbling nose on the sleeve of your jumper. Sexy.

"I'm not even on this course I've just come
for the BEVVIES"

7. The One Who Took Advantage Of The Free Alcohol

Hats off to this person. They're stumbling around your 'Meet and Greet' harboring a minimum of 4 glasses of wine under their arms. Safety precautions of course, the free alcohol will run out at some point. 

8. Tesco Value Fancy Dress

As we come to learn, there really is no shame in Tesco value products. However, when we apply the same budget to fancy dress events, the outcome is much (much) worse than a 42p pack of toilet roll. From males in thongs on initiations to socials gone wrong, 'tesco value fancy dress' really epitomises the struggle students have with these nights. 

The dress code: Smurf

The student: 'I'm going to get my mate to rub a blue crayon over some parts of my body and then shove a nappy on my head' 

The dress code: Back To School

The student (FEMALE): 'I'll wear a skirt so short you'll hardly be able to see it, put my hair in bunches and wear shit loads of makeup'

The student (MALE): 'I fucking love uni' 

The dress code: Beach Party

The student (FEMALE): 'A bikini will do'

The student (MALE): 'I fucking love uni.'

Tuesday, 25 November 2014

Hideous Clothing... is it Really Acceptable?

Having a dress sense which neither includes any 'dresses' nor many 'senses' is a wonderfully odd category to fall into. Wearing baggy pants which could definitely be mistaken for pyjamas (well some of them actually are pyjamas), baggy tshirts on repeat and huge coats often gets me falsely taken for a homeless person... In addition to this wearing bright green cycling shorts and a brightly coloured 5 panel makes my attire match that of Mr. Motivators...

None of which I really mind an awful lot about. But it does pose the question... Is it really acceptable?

In short, no. In the eyes of society/your peers/your Grandma, getting about in outlandish and probably 'hideous' clothing is not really acceptable anywhere bar Vera Wang's Spring/Summer catwalk premiere. But I don't see that as a particularly good reason not to do it.

For me, walking down the street and knowing people are quietly muttering to each other 'what the fuck is that girl wearing' is an absolutely spiffing concept. Baffling the heads of strangers is always fun and it takes the focus off the fact I've not slept properly or brushed my hair in a few days.

On the other side of this though you get those priceless compliments that just make your day ten times over because they're as unsure as you are as to why you're wearing what you're wearing. 'Oh, that shirt is ..... interesting' 'Wow those leggings are brave!' Thanks, I think.

At home the parentals can often ask such a wide variety of questions regarding what I'm wearing, some including 'Why are you a chav?' 'Why do you look like a P.E teacher?' and 'Where the fuck do you even find items of clothing like that?'. My friends come at me with 'Ria mate you can't go out in those' and 'You always look so comfy but stop wearing your pjs in public'.

Referring back to Vera Wang, some of the shit you see on the catwalk these days is absolutely crazy and it is becoming less and less frowned upon to go out in statement items. Probably not when you're just nipping to tesco but hey if you've got it flaunt it (and to the girl I saw today with a bright purple and silver bomber jacket you were certainly flaunting it).

I am the biggest fan of weird clothes, I think if you can pull it off (which I can't, but I like to think I can) and you're enjoying your choices then why does it really matter. Being comfortable in your own skin allows you to have stupendous amounts of fun with your clothing choices, so you might as well do something interesting with it.

Fashion the Hello Kitty socks with pedal pushers and werk werk werk the Willy Wonka style glasses with a head scarf. Each day is a new, hideous, clothing adventure to be embraced with open arms.

Sunday, 9 November 2014

52 Days of I'm Not Quite Sure What

52 days since arriving at university... 52 days of becoming the master of procrastination, 52 days of learning how to drink a litre of rum without vomiting, 52 mornings of oversleeping, 52 packets of 9p noodles and 52 days where I've wondered what the fuck is actually going on.

Whoever thought it would be a good idea to let thousands of lets face it, children, live in a huge complex together with absolutely no adult supervision whatsoever must be an absolute fucking nutter. Saying that I'm not one for good ideas and drinking myself into oblivion and turning up to lectures still on the extremely wonky side is 100% my idea of good time.

What my course actually entails I couldn't begin to tell you BUT what I can tell however is how to get a trolley in to a third floor flat without majorly injuring anybody and I can also tell you how entertaining staring at a wall becomes after 10 minutes of a Shakespeare lecture.

All joking aside though, turning up with my suitcase and 'big tesco bag' of worldly possessions all those 52 days ago was definitely slightly daunting and in all honesty it probably wasn't until a few weeks ago I properly settled in. Now my little box room scattered in dirty clothes and the whole selection of kitchenware is what I'd like to call my humble abode.

For any parents out there worried about their 'baby girls' and their 'baby boys' experiencing the harsh realities of the big wide world... Please, please don't worry because this is not even a fraction of the real world and we're all doing just fine. It's basically just a year long sleepover where playing out becomes living at the pub down the road and bedtime stories evolve into everyone crammed into one persons room watching a marathon of some relatively mind-numbing TV series on someones laptop.

Being thrown into such a we're-living-in-each-others-pockets-but-I-don't-really-mind kind of environment with people you've never met before is definitely an odd experience. For me what I've found the most comforting thing to be is how close you actually can become with people in such a short space of time. Within the first day I'd found my own little group and before knew it I was pouring my heart out to them over a portion of chips at the beloved 'Uni Kitchen' and then turning up to their door every morning thereafter for a brew and a ciggy. It is like having your own little family, a very dysfunctional family to say the bare minimum, but a family nonetheless.

Basically I'm trying to say that although my abilities to prioritise are lacking and I base my days around when I've been awake long enough for it to be nap time again, university is fun. And the staying up late to read the 4 novels, 50 poems and 5 Shakespeare plays you're yet to read and panicking about all the work you need to do is all part of the experience. It's okay to be a little behind and to be going out instead of doing your work (maybe) because that's what first year is for and anyone who tries to tell you otherwise clearly hasn't been here before. 

Just gotta pass..... right? 

Wednesday, 2 July 2014

The Eventualities of the Upcoming Months

Being an over dramatic, stressed out and absolutely exhausted little pumpkin over the exam period has really sidetracked me from blogging recently. (Okay 6 months is definitely a little more than 'recently' and yes, I am still over dramatic) However, having about 12 half written posts on the likes of UCAS, pre-Summer prep and how to survive exam period without tearing your hair out and pushing your siblings down the stairs, has been frustrating. The amount of times I've sat and really attempted to publish them has been tedious, but now Summer is finally here I feel like the time is right to get back into the swing of things.

Having a whole ONE HUNDRED AND THREE days until I hopefully start my university course is daunting but ridiculously exciting and I'm nearly 103% sure most of you are feeling the same. Everyone sees Summer in a different light, I know for my friends the challenge of 'how many days can you stay awake until you actually pass out' ensues, but for others there's travelling to plan for, Magaluf to tan for and university to prepare for.

So, with all these free days and most likely a limited amount of cash it's important to budget yourself so you don't end up mine-sweeping every single time you go out; throwing yourself at the nearest male/female in an attempt to get an alcoholic beverage is never a classy look. When the weather's not looking great, which we all know it usually isn't, it's easy to just stay inside and eat half the contents of your cupboards whilst watching and reciting every episode of OITNB.

So, here's some tips to avoid becoming a skint little couch potato and make the most of your summer.

TIP 1) If you haven't got a job, get one!

Although my job is the absolute bane of my life, the feeling of 'making it rain on them hoes' on pay day is just smashing and it reminds me that jumping off the first train home and into the doors of Starbucks is sometimes worth it. Job skills are stupidly vital in that thing they call the real world (hello yes I'm being Mother Hen again) and going into work in every state humanly possible has allowed me to master looking semi acceptable when I feel like death warmed up. Not only this but it gets you off your lazy arses and gives you a bit of extra cash.

TIP 2) Make a bucket list

Cheesy, I know. But think of loads of things you really want to do this Summer and aim to actually do them. Gives you some plans anyway, and just a shout out to my friends again, seeing how long you can stay up without passing out does not class as an addition to the bucket list.

TIP 3) Get yourself a hobby

For me, not being able to read/blog/write/breathe over exam period has been restricting to say the least. So finding something you enjoy doing means that when you do get those days when you have got heaps of free time, you've got something productive to fill them with. Buy a book, start drawing, do something that means you're not being a smelly teenager in your room and you never know you might actually find something you're good at.

For the people reading this who wouldn't pick up a book if their life depended on it, I know being a raver is a 24 hour occupation but sometimes (just sometimes) finding something else to do can be good for you.

TIP 4) Explore your own city/town/countryside

If you're like me and you do live near a city, you probably don't realise how lucky you actually are. For me Manchester has always been a mint place to explore, there is always something going on whether it be little workshops in Nexus Art Cafe or Street Fairs in the Northern Quarter. There's no reason to just hop on the train and go! Even if you're strapped for cash, a homemade treat from Eighth Day on Oxford Road never costs more than a fiver. And if you are heading off to uni in September you need to get used to making that money stretch, sadly you can't live off vodka for the whole 3 years you're there!

TIP 5) Explore another city/town/countryside

Hop in a car, on a train or get a lift from that man in Manchester on the skateboard with the bendy legs to anywhere you feel the wind takes you (excluding Scunthorpe and Moss Side). Recently I camped in the back of a car squished in with a few duvets and some longboards and woke up to the sun rising over the beach. Alright, I wasn't awake for sun rise and the car was so sweaty I thought I was in the African rain forest, but the image was nice initially wasn't it? All sweatiness aside adding some spontaneity into your Summer plans can never be a bad idea.

TIP 6) Sunshine means no excuses

 Whether you're skint, tired, hungover, half dead or just a mard arse, if the sun is shining you should be ashamed of yourself if you're not outside enjoying it. It's such a rarity here that the sun actually shines so when it does you probably need to join the rest of the British population by purchasing a can of 'skol' and taking your clothes off in the nearest public place. Although no clothes removal team is present in this picture, this is a clear display of us 'enjoying' the sunshine after a house party. I use the inverted commas due to the fact we hadn't washed, slept or managed to produce a real word since the day previous but there we are
nonetheless smiling through it.

As we've just got a new puppy I've found taking the dog for a walk is a great excuse to get out of the house. Seemingly problems can arise if you don't have a dog to walk BUT after doing some thinking I've worked out that there's many substitutes available including walking any other household pets (although fish prove a little difficult), brothers and sisters and just about any inanimate object with wheels. I mean it is Summer and I can bet most of you get up to weirder things anyway.

TIP 7) Get in touch with old friends/family

We all have that one friend (or list of friends, but we're reluctant to admit it) that we swear to god we'll meet up with soon. It may have been years since you've seen this person and the likelihood is that you probably do really want to see them, but you've been so busy washing your hair and tending to other menial tasks that these plans have never materialised and you've suddenly forgotten what their second name is and what they look like. Now is the time to stop saying you'll go for coffee soon and actually go for coffee.

The same goes for family; I know sometimes wearing a party hat at your Grandma's 60th whilst 'getting down' to some Celine Dion isn't the best way to spend *chants* SUMMER 2014 LADS but family are important and going to see Uncle's and Auntie's and Grandma's and Grandpa's can be a good way to spend your day. (Added tip: don't pick this option for days you're feeling as rough as a bears arse because you yourself won't be smashing company)

Overall, just remember that this is the Summer you've been waiting for for what feels like 4 and a half years so don't fucking waste it! Behave kids (ish). 

Wednesday, 11 December 2013

Eden Open Mic Night - Raising for Francis House

When you say Sunday evening I think of curling up in the dark reflecting on the table dancing and lamp-post pole dancing of the previous night and crying about the Monday morning doom which is in close proximity.

This Sunday, however, I managed to drag my sorry little ass out of bed and get myself down to Eden in the Gay Village. I have to say my relationship with the village is that of a 'love-hate' one, I tell everyone I hate the place and it's inhabitants but secretly on most nights out I'll end up there at some point, it's like an involuntary homing call. But this time it was different, as it was a fundraiser for the fantastic charity Francis House, I felt a good cause was calling.

Francis House is a children's hospice established to ensure families with terminally ill children receive the highest level of care and support. All the services offered are free and include care at home, daycare at the centre offering the use of their fantastic facilities and aiding families through an indescribably difficult period.  As I know the fantastic host, Georgia, I grew to learn that one of the members of staff at Eden was closely connected to the charity and it's work, providing a very personal and fervent reason to raise money for Francis House.

Eden in itself is a very cosy and welcoming little bar/restaurant on the other side of the canal. Georgia, through much hard work (also known as flirting), managed to gain some absolutely fantastic gifts for a raffle including 3 tapas dishes and a bottle of wine at Molly House and one night's stay at the lush Le Ville hotel. Dressed as Miley for the evening, Georgia said herself, the real 'community feel' of the Gay Village shone through and she knew they wanted to help this great cause as best they could. 

I did manage, in a fit of anger, to launch my glass of Jerimiah Weed all over myself and the floor when I didn't win any prizes. Childish strops are my forte, wasting alcohol is not

Throughout the night, talented acoustic artists such as Ruth Derry and Jes Stretton kept the atmosphere buzzing and initiated a few singalongs, keeping the crowd entertained between the rounds of the quiz. Which by the way EDEN was not suited for the younger participants due to the fact I have never heard of ' Ducktales' or 'Round the Twist' ever before in my (evidently very short) life; making the other members of my team feel extremely old. 

Me being the absolutely mint team player I am, was the first to shove my hand in the air when a volunteer was requested. Wow. I can't say I've ever regretting anything as much in my life when the words 'sing-off' were uttered. All for a good cause I told myself as I awkward swayed about a stage getting all the words to 'All I Want for Christmas' by Mariah Carey so ridiculously wrong. 

A fun-filled night nonetheless and held for an even better cause; these events occur every month and I couldn't recommend a better way to spend your Sunday evening! Eden really becomes the hotbed of competitive fun with a big gay quiz night hosted by Mike Lee on every first Sunday of the month, so you're sure never to miss the drunken fun.

Congrats to the team and everyone who donated as they managed to raise over £500. So get yourself down to the Eden Facebook page and keep your eyes peeled for the next open mic or donate directly to Francis House to avoid the possible chances of participating in a sing off but miss the opportunity of seeing Georgia in near to nothing, WIT WOO.

Sunday, 10 November 2013

London for the Hearst Editors Talk

Last Sunday at the delicious time of 9AM, bearing in mind I'd been out the night before and had yet managed to sleep, I hopped on a coach with my irritatingly well-slept and well-fed cousin for a 7 hour journey to London. Although feeling like my stomach was laced with poison and my head was about to implode, I did manage to catch a few winks en route down there despite the small child behind me doing what I can only describe as the can-can on the back of my chair.

Because we were there for a few nights we went and stayed with my other cousin in his university halls, he's an art student and goes to Central St. Martins, which apparently is super slick in the fashion world but me in my poncho and boots with holes in wasn't completely aware of this. 3 people shoved into a box room is tricky in itself, without enough bits of fabric to clothe a small family of hippos and some machinery that looked more suited to a medieval torture chamber than a fashion studio.

Stopping off for some cheeky crepes in Covent Garden

I like the concept of London; the picturesque gardens and majestic buildings but on a whole I dislike how impersonal everything is. The people are ridiculously rude and always look like someone just shit on everything they love, but then again so would I if i had to spend more than 2 minutes on a sweaty damp tube.

Anyway, so the reason we were down there was to attend a networking event with  the editors of the big dog fashion magazines like Company and Cosmopolitan etc etc, thus meaning I had to remove the poncho and place on something slightly more suitable. On arrival to the extremely posh hotel (the use of 'Maps' on my iPhone pretty much stopped us from wandering into the ghettos) we were handed large glasses of champagne which I shall never complain about and were thrown into a room filled with very stylish and eloquent people.

The best part of the evenings was by far the goodie bags, I'm sorry but free gin, benefit makeup, books, moisturiser and a Bananagram game was maybe too exciting for my short attention span and ability to be over the moon with the little things in life.

The Q and A was informative and gave insight into the big bad world of print publication, mostly though that you have to start making tea for some wanker (the wanker you'll end up being if you manage to be that successful) before you can begin to move up that dreaded ladder.

A fun outing nonetheless and possibly a step towards my future, who knows who knows, but for now I'll take the free gin and be 100% content.

Monday, 2 September 2013

The drunken mishaps, Serbians and 50 cent shots of Zante 2013 (PART ONE)

So, this tale starts ever so innocently with 6 friends sat in a back garden in matching t-shirts getting a little too excited about their closely approaching holiday.

Sadly, shortly after we left the house for some quality alcohol time before we got to the airport, the story didn't quite carry through the innocent theme. After arriving at the airport and playing Mum (top passport-holder-and-loud-friend-controller award goes to me), getting cheekily frisked and having a few of our bags searched, which is always nerve-wrecking with friends like mine, we finally got through passport control.

Ella and Jaymie then proceeded to drink a whole bottle of Jagermeister, forced some people on the plane to move seats due to the fact Ella was screaming 'IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU HAVE A CHAMPAGNE LIFESTYLE AND A LAMBRINI BUDGET' down her ear after this woman told her not to kick her chair.
Anyone spot the drunken one?

When we eventually arrived in Zante, Ella and Jaymie (still extremely drunk) star fished on the floor in front of passport control, and then got on the luggage conveyor with all the suitcases and ran around for a while. Although I was doing my best 'I'm disappointed with your behaviour guys' look, when on playback it was absolutely hilarious. 

When we finally got to the hotel, we got greeted by the lovely hotel owners, the drunken stragglers who'd managed as far as the pool before stopping to snooze, and the security guard of whom we're still convinced was called Nestea.
The highlight of the week was easily the UV paint party, which was something ridiculous like 400 litres of paint and 1500 people. Personally, I've never had UV paint shot at me at high speed out of cannon before, but it was one of those epiphany-provoking moments that you really value your life as you feel like you've been shit on by a UV hippo.

Me being me, and my friends being my friends; I did have a few near death experiences along the way. Before we set off for Zante, I had a meagre two rules from Mamma Hope:
                1) No swimming in the sea at night
                2) No quad bikes.
I then went out to break each one of the rules and endanger life just slightly, but heyyyyy it's all part of the fun.

NUMBER ONE: After one too many 50 cent tequila shots, me and Jaymie decided that it would be a more than delicious idea to see if we could swim to the next Greek island. Yes.... the next island. We went in fully clothed (shoes included) and we must've swam for about an hour and a half, no exaggeration. When we finally half sobered up and realised it'd take us a good day to swim there, we tried to swim back..

...to find the tide was going out. We swam for half an hour against the current, and got no where. At all.

But finally managed to get back to shore, walk back home absolutely dripping wet and then throw up all over Jodie's balcony.  Waking up the next morning with 'LETTUCE LICKER' henna tattoed on my thigh wasn't so fun in that moment of uncertainty of whether it was, in fact a real tattoo.

NUMBER TWO: On the last day we decided we'd venture out and get some quad bikes. This was easily the best day time activity we did and ending up on the other side of Zante was beautiful. But, due to the fact you had to give in a driving license, I got Jaymie's for her and as we drove out of the shop together I went to show off to the ladies and do a u-turn in the road (fab showing off techniques I know) and managed to tip the whole quad bike, and myself, and Jaymie, onto the floor....

Suffice to say, the people at the quad shop just picked it up, laughed and let me get back on it.

(to be continued) 

About Me

My photo
Aspiring baby journalist, starting with a low key blog, mostly blogging for fun and because my social life depends on funds I do not have.
Powered by Blogger.