An eagerly anticipated 'holiday'.

A weeks adventure out to the other side of Europe, no parental control, sweltering heat and a group of frenzied teenagers that you're reluctant to call your friends. To the average Joe (over the age of 30 and anyone even partially sane), this seems like the idea of a living hell, and I suppose retrospectively it's not far off.

This Summer I have the unfortunate privilege of taking myself off to Laganas, Zante. Which outside the months of May to September is a beautiful Greek Island situated in the Ionian sea, surrounded by deep teal waters and quietly reserved locals. But during these Summer months, Zante welcomes the majority of Britain's wild youths with open arms; arms filled with shots, things on fire and sex.

Inside my brain there's some sort of pre-Zante party occurring where I have visions of myself surrounded by beautiful ladies in bikinis feeding me Pina Colada's on the beach whilst fanning me with their tits... Just maybe.

After jetting off to the oh-so luxurious Kavos last year, I have learnt some very very pointless tips that you're probably not going to listen to or follow but I feel if I don't tell you now I'll feel responsible for keeping them to myself.

1. Stay away, and I mean really far away, from FREE BARS

When a random stranger is screaming in your face '5 EUROS FREE ALCOHOL VODKA SEX VODKA YEAAAAAHHH', it's hard to A) decide what their native tongue is and B) wonder why your body is carrying yourself towards the voice.  Stay firmly out of the way of free bars.  Due how gullible we are these days, it doesn't matter how many shots of this eye-wateringly sugary syrup you down, you will not, by any means be getting drunk.

The best thing to do is find a smaller, usually quieter bar to start your evening with. Although it might be slightly more costly, everyone will look a million times more attractive than they did when you arrived, which is priceless when you're in competition to get a shag first.

    2. Always stick together; 2's or 3's or in your hundreds

I know the Mother Hen in me is becoming prominent. But after losing one of my friends, and after hours of running up and down the beach with one shoe on, screaming her name, solely to find her with her keks around her ankles in a fishing boat, it's pretty important that you don't let anyone (especially the slutty one) run away.

I suppose this relates more to girls, but if you wanna shag ladies, bring them back to your apartment. I'm 100% sure your friend doesn't mind waiting in the hallway (or the bathroom as it was my case) until you've finished doing the dirty. P.s - don't ask them to join in if you think it could be sufficiently awkward in the morning when the lad/lady has left and you and your friend wake up with your arse cheeks stuck to one anothers and your panties hanging from the chandelier.

   3. Don't be fooled by the over-friendly Promo people

They're usually well fit, it's their job to lure you into buying shitty tickets, to shitty nights with their huge tits, small bikinis and charming smiles. Don't fall into their appealing traps, or their cleavages because that can also prove difficult trying to get out of.

   4. Booze cruises

Be prepare to suck off bananas, lick nipples, dance half naked, intimately dance with the overweight man in speedos and drink tabasco. Super tip: DO NOT DIVE OFF BOAT IF YOU CAN'T, YOU WILL DIE (of embarrassment as the whole boat and what will feel like the whole world will be watching).